The importance of sex in a relationship is hardly a mystery to fans of Too Wild Orchids. But, a new study shows that 50% of women and 30% percent of men are unhappy in their sex life.
WHAT?! If this is you, take comfort that you’re not alone.
The way to a better sex life can be found in your relationship with your body, your beliefs about who you are sexually and what you want.
Did you notice I did not say your sexual happiness lies in your partner’s lap?
I coach people as they go from monogamy to non-monogamy. The importance of sex in a relationship can’t be discounted. One thing I see repeatedly is sex is a non-issue until there’s a lack of sex, then it’s the only issue.
Blame is easy:
Not Sexually Attracted: “She/he let himself go, she/he used to be so hot!”
Sexless Marriage/Relationship: “Ever since we had the kids, I don’t think of her that way anymore.”
Low Sex Drive: “She/he doesn’t want me!”
I’m calling bullshit. Is it true? Absolutely.
Is your partner the problem? No.
Are you the problem? Yes.
You can’t change your sex life by blaming them for what they are doing or not doing.
If you’re not having enough sex, enough kinky sex, enough marathon sex, enough orgasmic sex, who’s responsible? And what’s your definition of ‘enough’?
Fear of rejection runs deep. As a result, clients often confess the thought of telling their partner how they really feel and what they really want is terrifying. And, it only gets scarier when you add sexual shame on to years of unmet expectations and old resentments.
For example, if my female client can’t orgasm through penetrative sex with her (male) partner she will say things like:
She is bad in bed. She hates her body. She overthinks and can’t relax. Or it’s his fault: “My ex could make me cum and he can’t.”
Guys want to know how to get better in bed, too. Likewise, they have almost the same insecurities and resentments.
He think he cums too quick. Or the sex is boring, so he feels like a failure. Or it’s her fault: “Nothing makes her happy and she is not interested in me sexually”.
It’s time for you to take back control of your sex life.
Your orgasms don’t belong to anyone else. So stop giving someone the blame or the credit. No one can make you feel anything and no one can make you cum.
Whether you are in a monogamous relationship, an open one, or getting divorced, you bring you to every relationship.
Get out a piece of paper and answer these questions:
- What do I like?
- What do I want? (If this starts with my partner needs to, should do, should want etc. you’re giving up your power, start over.)
- In what ways am I unhappy with myself or my body and using them as an excuse?
- Do I feel rejected by them? (If the answer here is yes), ask: Why am I rejecting myself?
- What’s my part? How have I contributed to this? (This one might take a minute).
Then, take out another piece of paper and ask:
- If we were meeting for the first time, what would my expectations be? (nothing, that’s why new people are appealing.)
- What do I need to do (for me) so I can be happy no matter who I am with? (This one is going to be the hardest one of all).
Once you are done, you will know what needs to change. Happiness is an inside job, so you do you.
Until Next Time,
Stay Sexy and get your needs met.